Perhaps unknowingly to even people close to me, over the past month or so, I’ve become increasingly aware of the fact that I’m growing up. I’ve written similar sentences on my blog before because believe it or not when you write for six years of your teenage life, you change and grow immensely…
WHAT I WORE: Vintage Versace Jeans Couture Suit (Antibad)* // Topshop Heeled Boots (Depop) // Bralette (M&S – old)
But this time it feels different; this time it feels more drastic and permanent. This time, I almost feel as if I’m not expressing my true self where it really matters. Sometimes it can feel like I live two very separate lives on the internet.
One side of me is a ‘brand’ and a ‘persona’ which to a certain extent is curated and censored and one side is, what I can only describe as liberal. Or ‘edgy’. Or a little against the grain.
I’m starting to show more and more of that side of myself in real life, whether it be through my thoughts, how I see my body (I’m talking body hair here – not that it’s edgy; it should just be a choice) or for me, most importantly, through my clothes. And this blog has always been a portal for that.
I want everybody to feel as if they can express themselves in their truest form and wear whatever they want. Fashion is a great tool in that respect, acting almost like armour and costume that changes and evolves with every day that passes.
So, as somebody who has never had a problem in embracing that, you can see how I might feel in limbo being faced with uncertainty towards myself for the first time. It’s not that I don’t know who I am, I’m just unsure of how to transition into my next phase of style with other people watching.
When you are committed to your appearance and the upkeep of how you’re being perceived online, it feels like a big leap to suddenly start sharing part of yourself that seems different and perhaps ‘out of character’ to everything you’ve ever done before.
For some people, the images within this post will look like nothing new but for me, it’s probably the boldest shoot I’ve ever published (and simultaneously, one of the best I’ve ever published).
I felt like me whilst we took them, on a dusty side road outside of a building that seemed to be a water bottle packing facility – I’m happy to report, the bottles were glass – but in my mind, they’re a sharp contrast to what people might have seen of me before and that seems daunting even though it’s only natural.
I know that this is majorly influenced by the fact that I find it hard to find myself reflected in other people my age. I’m not about to say that I never see myself, a slim, white woman, represented in front of me, but I will say that it’s rare I see any ‘online personalities’ who don’t wear make-up, don’t pose from a certain angle and don’t wear clothes that for the most part, cover them up.
That’s no judgement to anybody who does do that – in my opinion, if we’re going to be feminists, we have to accept every individual choice so long as it doesn’t harm others – but it leaves me feeling a little left behind and as if I’m not quite 18 yet even though, I most definitely am, now.
Enter, suit, stage left: I was sent this vintage two-piece by Antibad, a new online shopping destination for ethical and sustainably focused brands, with a strong and extremely beautiful aesthetic. It’s not the first suit that I’ve owned as I have a satin navy blue number hanging in my wardrobe but there’s something powerful about the way it makes me feel (and I’ve only been its proud owner for less than a week at the time of writing).
It wasn’t too long ago that I was drafting a post about how I don’t find there is anything empowering about a woman in a suit, after seeing the phrase ‘power dressing’ crop up over my social streams. My take on the subject was going to be one from an ethical perspective, much like when I discussed the topic of feminist t-shirts; are suits empowering if they’re made by unempowered, exploited women?
I still stand by my answer of no but I will take a step back in this instance and admit – suits really do have the ability to boost your confidence and I don’t believe that to be a gendered experience.
The reason I wanted to discuss my current feelings towards my online appearance and ‘brand’ around this suit was that it’s a great introduction to who I am in this current moment in time.
I’m Tolly and I like to wear suits which make me feel a little taller and stronger, with pairs of chunky heels or sneakers which tone it down when necessary. I like to wear them unbuttoned with little underneath not only because I like the way it looks but because it’s the summer and anything more would have me collapsing in a sweaty heap.
As I mentioned, the suit is vintage and as a steadfast advocate for second-hand clothes, I’m glad that it ticks that box so perfectly. In my experience, suits and two-pieces are often a struggle to find second-hand because often they’ll be separated upon selling. It’s why I’m slightly devastated that another new tailored addition to my wardrobe (this green blazer), wasn’t part of a suit itself.
I’ll be taking over the Antibad Instagram Story on July 9th with a LIVE Q&A at 6pm BTS!
So, what does this suit mean, if it’s not only a confidence booster? To me, it’s a reminder to always stick to who you really are, even if you think it might surprise some people. It’s also a reminder that I think at some point soon, the next era of my blog needs to begin. Believe it or not, my site has looked like this for almost a whole four years now and I think it deserves a bit of a refresh.
As much as I like to use my blog as a platform to raise awareness for important issues, I can’t forget that it’s always been a place for me; a place for me to show all my true colours.
How do you evolve online? How would you style this suit? Let me know in the comments…
